I used to have a tan but then I got a Thai massage so now it’s gone.

I’m the gluten-free, lactose-intolerant gem of the massage world. I hate to be that person but I’ve had some injuries so my body is fragile. If I ever get a massage for Christmas, I go to a massage therapist because I know they won’t break me.

So when picking a massage place in Chiang Mai I wanted to make sure it was good, even if it meant spending a few extra dolla bills. I chose a well-rated place that popped up on a few different sites. Prices starting at 300 baht. Other random places start at 180 baht. I stress this because I want you to know I didn’t cheap out, which is my usual tendency.

When I arrived, the space was calming and clean and the people were super lovely. My friend said Thai massages were quite rough, she raved about oil massages so when the lady recommended a Thai with balm massage I assumed it was similar to an oil massage. Not so.

She washed my feet and then I got into the clothing. For the pants, the string goes on the back and then ties around the front. I asked if I should take off my bra and she said no but later the guy asked me to undo my bra so who knows. Then the massage began. Or should I say the carnage began?

His hands felt like bricks slamming against the wall of my skin. His elbows dug into me like he was excavating for ore. It was like he was tenderizing the meat of my body with a rolling pin to make Corrine schnitzel. I asked him 6 times to be more gentle. Softer I said. Please. As I clenched my fists to distract from the pain, the eternal hour never-ending.

At one point, he put on a surgical mask so I thought, this is it. I’m done for. He aggressively pushed on my temples and nearly ripped my eyebrows off from the pressure of his thumbs.

When the torture finally stopped. I lay there nearly paralysed not wanting to look at my mangled corpse. I was expecting dark bruises all over my tender, now pale, skin. I finally opened my eyes to assess the damage. Luckily there were no noticeable wounds externally, but those internal scars will never heal.

I gingerly got changed, then went to the front to pay. The man brought what I hoped was tea but it tasted like boiled sugar water so it could have been to wash my hands with. Still unsure.

There was a surprise 15% discount since I was in at 11:00am. So it came to 425 baht. I read online I had to tip so I handed over the 50 baht bill, my hands still shaking.

After all that, I’ll be going back there tomorrow. JOKING.

I woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck so I can’t even walk to the place if I wanted to.

I should have gotten that oil massage my friend had praised.