If you have been even REMOTELY one of the following plane personas or know someone who is currently, give them or yourself a smack.
It’s as dark as the 6th Harry Potter film inside the plane. You are ecstatic. You grab your earplugs and position the headrest corners perfectly. Your cheek lightly brushes the curved headrest which pushes it back to being flat again. The conditions are set. You normally get roughly 3 minutes of shut-eye out of the 540-minute flight. This is your time to shine. You have jammed your earplugs in so far that you hear a high-pitched ringing along with your own steady heartbeat. But the fates are cruel my friend. Some see darkness as an invitation for sleep, others see it quite oppositely. You have those people who want to take a little looky loo out the window in this moment of pitch blackness.
They are all like, “Just, oh heavens I wonder what’s out there. What could it possibly be? The windows are shut for a reason but no one will mind if I just take a little peeky poo.”
This isn’t a fucking Blues Clues mystery game. I don’t give a shit if it’s just a millimetre you’ve now opened Pandora’s box and it should contain a smack because, with that minuscule amount of light you’ve let in, I am now blind.
Johnny Come Lately
These are the assholes who think their personal agenda is far superior to the 250 others on the plane. Their names have been butchered over the airport P.A. about 3 times. You just know this smug guy walking down the plane aisle hitting everyone’s elbows along the way was just having a couple brewskies in the airport lounge or decided that arriving 15 minutes early was sufficient enough to make it through the 3-hour security lineup. You deserve the biggest of smacks.
I get it. You work out. Congrats. No need to practice through my chair and on my spine.
Mr. & Mrs Smith and Their 2.5 Kids
You are bringing a baby onto a man-made, enclosed metal tube, travelling at an altitude of 30 000 ft going let’s say, 500 mph. Just think about that for a sec. Not only have you occupied the prime legroom seats with your lil bundle of bull shit but you also failed to grasp that a crying baby disrupts everyone. Automatic smack if this is you.
Need to Go Nate You’ve been eyeing that food cart since you saw it emerge from that nook at the opposite end of the plane. You have a big hunger on. Your tray table is not in the locked and upright position because food is coming and you are coaxing it hither. You calculated which cart would bring you salvation first. The stewardess in front of you pours like a champ but the one behind has just restocked their chicken. After 16 minutes of awkward back glances and 8 minutes of an intense stare-down, it arrives. The stewardess kindly places the compact tray down before you. Like a ravenous beast, you rip open that chicken or veg pasta with your teeth. At this time, face half buried in meal, you hear “Op, can I scoot to the toilet?” with sauce dripping down your chin it takes every molecule… I’m so mad I can’t even continue. Needless to say, SMACK.
Not so Bright Bob
You now have another scenario when the cabin is pitch black. All of a sudden, some lunatic has the uncontrollable urge at that moment to read. Why? You had four hours to read with a wonderful ambience of light. Why does it have to be now? You just turned on what I assume is the bat signal. We’re in an enclosed area you dumb ass, you not only lit a stream of light to your book page but have now also lit a 10-row radius.
Fuck you. You’re not on a beach, there is no reason for you to recline your seat like that. My knees are now in my throat. I am well aware that the chair has this function but my fist also has the function of punching you, which doesn’t mean I should do it.
P.S. I may have written this while on a plane so if you hear some sassitude (sassy attitude) in my writing tone you are not mistaken.